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A letter from suburbia
By: Ihsan Charchafchi
Published date: 1/9/2003
Editor’s note: Here at the Bulletin, we have wrestled often with notions of cultural imperialism. To confuse us further, we recently received this letter from a friend of regular Bulletin contributor Youkhana Daniel. We sincerely hope Mr. Charchafchi (and please note, we only apply courtesy titles to those that fully lacerate us verbally) will continue to contribute.
A few weeks ago I was told by a friend that an English paper is being published by British and Iraqi journalists in Baghdad. I tried in vain to obtain a copy of this paper, just to find out what an Englishman sitting in an airconditioned office drinking German beer and smoking Indian cigars made with out a license from Castro can tell us about the feelings of ordinary Iraqis towards the liberation (turned to an occupation by the orders of a UN resolution). No one in our neighborhood or in the book shops of the central part of the city sold the Baghdad Bulletin. I have been told that it is available in Saadun Street.
But why should I go to Saadoun Street since we are spending the evenings in our suburban home enjoying the benefits of our newly acquired freedom ( under the occupation), complete evenings spent watching the sky, breathing the natural fresh air and reading books about the merit of American capitalism using a replica of Aladdin’s lamp. And when the CPA decide to be generous enough to give us electricity, there are six thousands channels at the tip of your finger telling you the depressing news in six hundred languages, or you can see your favorite movie with improved shoot-up sound effects.
When will I find the time to go to Saadun Sreet? We have been having a hug party, with lots of dancing, since April 9. Months of dancing in the streets, sorry that dear Donny couldn’t make it to the party, probably he is busy drawing other plans for other countries.
I asked my dear friend Youkhana Daniel if he had seen the paper.
“Did I see it?” he said. “I write in it, and you can write in it too, they are looking for local writers.”
“But if we can't get a copy it means that there is no one who reads it.”
“Never mind who reads it,” Youkhana replied. “They pay five cents per word, and that settled it as far as I am concerned.” (Accounting department please note, the tally is $17.65 so far.)
As an Iraqi citizen, I’d like to address the CPA directly and talk frankly about our grievances: Hello? Hello? is there any body there? See? no answer, probably they are watching CNN or the BBC to find out what is happening in Iraq. Well, never mind, I will continue, since I am in it for the money as Mick Jagger keeps reminding us.
I am glad to express myself in the language of Shakespeare, Bob Dylan and the Wall street Journal. But our education wouldn’t be complete with out learning the action-men English, the language of the movies, comics and the gangsters’ talk. We wouldn’t be cultured men till we use four letter words in our daily talk, and include such words as Jing-a-ling, Hotsi totsi, Honky-tonk. We need and demand to be educated.
So I am really thrilled to have you around to take our hands, we the noble savages and the not so noble savages of this world to a heaven of Kentucky-fried chickens, McDonalds and please don't forget the coke. Take our hands and teach us how to use the computers, the internet, how to cook accountant books and most important thing of all -- how to be a successful fraud.
I am really pleased that you are staying around till we reorganize our government on the same moral standard in which your government is based (government of business men, by business men, and for businessmen).
Thank you for having me as a guest writer, and if you are going to pay me for this bull-shit (Account department please note bull-shit are two words), you are a greater sucker than I ever hoped for.
Ihsan Charchafchi
Spokesman for the Iraqi silent majority
(When they decide to speak! )
Published date: 1/9/2003
Author: Ihsan Charchafchi
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